Mark was so wanted. I had a miscarriage after I had my first son, Tom was born and I craved another pregnancy and baby. He was born a red head (who in your family has red hair? people would ask) with a reckless attitude. I can recall carrying him a lot, because as soon as I would set him down he would run off! He was full of mischief. He suffered from ear infections and I would know immediately if he was getting one, as it was the only time he would sit still. He little brother, Scott was born when he wasn't quite 2 years old. As the boys grew, it always seemed that Tom and Scott were so similar (they loved Legos and puzzles and were good students) and Mark, was Mark - he loved sports and riding bikes and friends, friends, friends...along with pushing boundaries and experimenting with all kinds of things. I remember asking what my hair spray was doing out on the patio and Mark told me that he was making a "flame-thrower." Oh he loved fire and when he would visit in Grandma and Grandpa in Texas he was in charge of the burn-pit!

The little boy years flew by and little troubles turned in to big ones. He started experimenting with drugs in High School (although I didn't know it at the time) and once he got his license and more freedom he once again pushed the boundaries of what he wanted and had to accomplish. He was just as smart as his brothers (all were in G.A.T.E.) program, but he struggled to complete school and found being with friends much more important. He had many friends and fit-it with any group. But Mark always has poor self-esteem. He always felt teachers expected him to be like his older, smart Brother. He hated his hair and his freckles. He didn't feel like we all understood him. He could always make me laugh with his wonderful sense of humor, but I could see depression in him. He takes after me and my family has addiction problems. I always told my boys "Be careful what you start, as it is a bitch to stop!" But do they listen to their Mom???

Mark was also very into making money. As soon as he was old enough (16) he worked at a pizza place around the corner from where we lived so he could walk to and from. I never asked how he spent his money (I thought it was for junk food at school). He was also WAY into girls and had crushes before his older brother did. He always wanted a girl friend, and he always had one. Of course they weren’t the kind of girls I wanted him to like! High School graduation day was a very proud day for me, as I felt my husband expended a vast amount of effort for that day to happen!

Christmas of 1999, Mark brought his girlfriend, Allison over and told me "she was the one." He was only 19, but his father and I married when I as just 18, so I tired to be supportive. The spring of 2000 Mark told me that Allison was pregnant and I hope I said all the right things, but when he left I cried and cried and cried. They moved in together and I got to witness my beautiful granddaughter, Nicole born on October 4, 2000. I thought Mark would really "grow-up" now and he did for a while. I got to enjoy seeing him, Allison and Nikki frequently and babysitting, etc. I was close to Allison and one day in 2004 she came to my condo (I got divorced in 1999) and told me that she was leaving Mark and I (and my current husband) had to go get her things out of the house. She told me Mark was doing drugs and that she didn't want Nikki around them. I agreed with her. When I went to their house I told Mark "You Really BLEW-it this time." and he was high at the time and just said "I'll get her back," Well, that never happened.

Mark started working at a Satellite Dish company installing the dishes, etc. A group of guys told him about a doctor that would prescribe oxyiconton for his sore back...Needless to say he starting taking MASS amounts of that drug - but always told me that it was prescribed. Come to find out Mark encouraged his friends to also start doing this. One day his friend Clayton got high with him and Clayton was found dead in the morning. Mark felt too bad, so responsible, so guilty. At that time, Nikki, Allison and her new husband moved to Arizona, so Mark only got to see them occasionally. Mark missed his daughter and was hurting physically and mentally. To mask his hurt, he took more drugs. When another friend died, Ben, who Mark was getting high with...well, Mark never, never recovered from the guilt of that. He got jobs, lost jobs, lived with friends, lived with his dad.

June of 2008 Mark came to live with me. Oh my! He was such a nice helpful, courteous guy for a few days...then it started. Things were missing, money taken from my purse. He quit his job and spiraled out of control. He went into a "day" rehab program in November and improved for a little while. By January of 2009, I had HAD it. He keep lying and steeling and was plain worn out from stress and worry. Mark moved back in with his dad in February.

June 2009 Mark was living at his Dad's and Nikki was visiting. His Dad, Chris was awakened by Mark pounding on the bathroom door of the bathroom and shooting nonsense words. Mark than went into his room and ranted and raved at Nikki - she of course got scared and cried. Chris then took Mark to the ER. By the time I got to the ER I was livid at him for all he has put us through. My ex-husband I and both work at the same hospital, so it was doubly humiliation that people who know us were watching our son flip-out. He ended up in restraints and the county sent a people to evaluate him. He was transferred that night to a Psych hospital on a 51-50 for a 48 hour hold. His dad and I visited the next day and he didn't even remember the ER visit and was very, very mad at us. When he got out the next day, his dad and I picked him up and took him to a motel. His dad didn't want him living with him any longer and I was kind of afraid of him. His two brothers (Tom lives in New York and Scott lives in Portland Oregon) flew in and we tried as a family to get him into rehab.

He was there only three weeks before getting asked to leave. His dad picked him up but didn’t let him stay at his house. His Dad paid for him to live in a room in someone’s apartment. That September he was arrested twice, but his dad didn’t share that with me. On his 30th birthday, November 15, 2009 my husband and I and Chris and his wife were meeting Mark at a restaurant. Of course, he was late and arrived higher than a kite. I was so disappointed, mad, worried and concerned. When we left he said “Thanks for putting up with me for 30 years.” The next week or so was hell on his dad. Mark ended up be arrested again for possession, intent to sell, etc. This time he went to jail. I could never bring myself to go visit him. He had a good lawyer and he worked hard to get Mark into a program. Needless to say Thanksgiving was miserable, with Mark calling collect begging me to get him out. When Christmas rolled around and Nikki came to visit it was heartbreaking. She was so concerned and worried about her daddy…at 9 years old is a very bright girl.

Mark got out of jail the beginning of January and his dad found a sober-living home for him to stay at while he was in the Matrix program. He was drug tested regularly and attended all of the classes. He was making great progress. He was so proud to get his 60 day chip!!!! He struggled but he was doing it and I was so proud of him. I told him how proud I was every time I saw or spoke with him. I would drive to his sober-living house and take him to lunch. It was like being with my SON again…yes there was some bad words said and yes, he shared stuff I never wanted to hear…but he was talking and I was so hopeful he made a major turn. His 90 chip was again proof that he was on the right track!!! I made plans for us to go pick Nikki up and keep her the week of her spring break. Mark was going out with us…he was looking forward to this.

I talked to Mark on Friday (March 5th) and we talked about a CD he had given me (Sublime) and I was anxious to ask questions about it. He was in a great mood – again I said “I’m proud of you” before saying “love you – bye.” He said “bye mama.”
My last words…His dad called me Saturday and said he was dead. I fell to the
floor – I have NEVER felt such pain…
Family flew out…It was all a blur – his service was beautiful and showed how many friends he had. Many people are devastated at this loss. Now I am supposed to go on living, working, functioning…June 6th we will be putting Mark’s ashes in the wall. There are days I can’t believe this has happened…other days where it is smacked into my face. I am getting support from others and that is helping, but I’m looking forward to being at peace with it, once I am not in this world…