As with all bereavement - loss of any kind - no-one can predict a "time-line", a beginning and an end. Neither should we, since grief and the recovery varies from individual and has to be concluded by that individual.
When a death occurs, however, there are questions we hear over and over again. We offer some answers here based on our own and others' experiences.
How long does the pain of loss last? My child died six months ago and there are days when I still have physical pain.
Physical pain is one of the manifestations of bereavement which some people experience and no-one can say in what duration of time it will "disappear". Grief can make our heart actually feel as though it "is broken." Sometimes this pain can affect digestion. After checking with a physician to be sure there is no actual, physical reason for pain, learning to relax may help. But do not be surprised if twinges of pain return occasionally over the next months or even the first year.
When we had the service I did not cry. I am sure that my lack of tears caused some people to question my behavior. What is wrong with me?
First of all, there is nothing wrong with you. In the privacy of your home the tears have probably flowed. Quite often by the day of the service (and because we feel we must put on a "public face" and not make others feel uncomfortable, foolish thoughts!) we respond on "automatic pilot."
Sometimes I suddenly find myself in tears in a department store or the supermarket. Am I normal?
What is normal? Of course you're normal. You have experienced and are continuing to be in the throes of a tremendously traumatic time. Especially in the first year, a sudden image or thought of your person can flash into your mind and it's overwhelming! Simply leave the store (even in the middle of a purchase). Sit in your car to cry and recover before driving home.
I cannot bear to hear or say the word "dead" about my loss.
The word is synonymous with finality. The finality of life with this person , no mattter how it has been, (and there must have been good times as well as bad). Death has the sting of taboo connected with it in the Western world and we never really discuss or dwell upon it. This is why with GRASP it was decided to use the word "passing" in deference to you and others who feel this way. With time, you will feel easier about the word but in the beginning of bereaving , it is a way of denying the end of one experience or episode of your life.
Why do I feel as though I need permission to laugh again?
Could it be because of grieving being portrayed as "weeping and wailing" continuously? You see yourself as being judged by an outside world. We don't want to appear disrespectful to the one who has gone. And yet, would they really want you to remain sad and tearful? Laughter and smiles are some of the best medicine for us. After our daughter's service, we had a dinner with her siblings and best friends during which someone remarked about a humorous incident they had had with her and that began a most wonderful meal of sharing, laughing and loving together. We really felt her presence joining in with us.
What should I do about possessions?
This is such a personal decision and not one to be hurried. Only when you are absolutely ready to sort and pack and, perhaps, share items with others. This does not have to be accomplished in one day, either.
GRASP
Grief Recovery After A Substance Passing Pat or Russ Wittberger
Phone:
843.705.2217
E-mail for Pat & Russ Wittberger mom@jennysjourney.org
